The Acceptance, The learning And The Steadiness.

Mother’s death has left a gaping hole and has made me sensitive to others whom I called my own. The sensitivity is “expectations.” The reaction towards them is “distance”, almost leading to “cut-off”. The burden I carry is “feeling cheated and alone”. The emotions are “victimhood”. The first question I ask is, “How helpful is it to think this way?”

The prompt answer is I will not be able to live with this sorry side of me. Where does this thinking come from? It comes from the generations that lived before me and my parents, who did not give up taking care of a child with a disability.

Hence, my journey starts with Acceptance of my “Immaturity “.

Wow!! That is a lot to manage. To accept my immaturity, I need to see where else it is lurking in my family. Because it is not only the individual who is immature, there is an interchange in the system that is equally immature. Whether people in the system can see it is secondary; however, it is a start with the “one” who sees it and does something about it.

So what do I do? I go to my father. This act of reaching out to a parent is natural for me. When Mother was alive, I would do that with her. However, now the tide has changed. I am contacting my father to hear what is happening on his side.

I learned that we share a similar wavelength and intensity of expectations and emotional reactions. And that the family on his side is reacting similarly.

Next, I asked myself, “Where, How, What, Who, When?” to understand this family’s reaction and my being a part of it.

I will attempt to answer the questions to the best of my ability, keeping alert I am still transitioning to learning, steadiness and acceptance.

Where: It can be a physical location or an understanding of a family history.

For me, the story reveals almost six generations from both parents’ sides. The expectations that individuals carry when faced with a challenging situation, such as death due to an accident, natural or intentional, is distance from the worries and continue the task of managing the family situation. The distancing serves well for some time. However, it leaves the family system vulnerable to reactions of gossip and conflict that an individual is themselves a part of. Gossip and conflict are unstable efforts to connect. The instability lies in the blame and change of gossip and conflict.

In the present scenario, with the death of my mother, the system is reacting similarly. The pawns have changed. However, the reaction to stressful events is the same, just like in the present timeline.

How: It can be both physical and mental. When the level of stress or worry is high, the family members distance themselves and get into a pattern of conflict and gossip, leading to blame and change policy, isolating each other, and wondering why this started. The vicious cycle continues, and individuals find it challenging to break the loop. Physical symptoms emerge. However, the family finds it difficult to see the connection.

However, I believe that if one family member were to take responsibility and do something about it, it would break the loop. I am hoping that I will be the “one”. The journey for me starts with “acceptance” of the immaturity in me as much as it was a part of the family’s generations much before me.

What: Makes it difficult for the loop to break? The intensity and the reliability of the patterns passed down through generations make it challenging to look away from them. They are familiar patterns that have served a purpose in the past. It is in recent events and with the efforts of my thinking, I am questioning the viability of these patterns. Anything that keeps one secure, good or bad, will be practised effortlessly. That is natural.

Who: are the paws in this family dance? All the family members, because each one of them has played a part in it. There were the ones who reacted openly and the ones who kept quiet. It is like Groundhog Day for a few members, and that becomes a reality.

When: I have been able to go back to six generations. I have outlined the functional positions and the functional facts towards stress. Now, the question is when I will shift so the coming generations can move in a different direction. I also know that the direction of thinking will not be completely void of the previous patterns but will have another outlook to manage the stress. I hope when I am gone, someone in my family will make a similar effort so that this line of family generation keeps evolving.

Hence, my goal till I live is based on acceptance, learning and steadiness. I have learned this through my constant interactions and connection with family members. I have learnt how we manage ourselves when stress is brought about. The reactions are severe and have been throughout generations towards “DEATH”.