How am I working thoughtfully in my significant relationship?

Asking ourselves questions is a great way to gain insight. But sometimes, one question leads to another. For instance, when I ask myself, “How to be thoughtful? a natural follow-up question arises: When did this process start for me?”.

This process began when I was born into my family, but even as a baby, my experiences were shaped by the people around me, both thoughtfully and carelessly. Looking back, I realize that introspection has been a valuable tool for me. I’ve worked with Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory for the past 13 years and found that introspection can be a robust research and clinical tool. However, it’s important to note that introspection is only helpful if put in a relationship context.

Most of my blogs have the undertone of the importance of relationships and how we learn to live within the framework of an accepting relationship. As I navigate my life after my mother’s death, so are my children.

Today’s blog will highlight my thoughtful efforts with my older child. My learning to become thoughtful is embedded in my experiences with family and extended family. One aspect that works in my favour is that I learned not to shy away from challenges. However, my inability to know how to become a thoughtful individual with the opposite gender can be tricky. In my growing years, my primary interactions were with female cousins; male cousins were not that frequent, but whenever it was, it was fun and frolic. Hence, my emotional programming was being hypersensitive with the females and relaxed with the males.

I would do whatever it took to be accepted by the female cousins(overfunction), and the flip side was to let the males dictate and flow with the rhythm (underfunction). Between these two forces of togetherness that is under and over function lies my being (individuality). It is a sticky situation because who does not want to feel accepted and does not wish to have an easy time? However, the balance was difficult to attain. In this storytelling, I forgot to mention my father and my relationship with him. He was not the fun and frolic. He was the serious one and worked hard. I reckon it was because he was my father, and the other male cousins were still young.

Let’s move along. I chose the person I wanted to marry because he was serious, fun, and someone I felt a familiar vibe with.

When I became a mother of a son, I was nervous and excited and felt that raising him would not be that tough. However, the balance of it all came into play when I needed to make decisions, and I remember being overprotective of him and sensitive if someone said something about him. In my trials and tribulations, I learned to interact with him by thinking about fun and seriousness. The foundation was being laid with input from my parents and my inlaws. When he was five years old, his sister was born. My emotional programming kicked in of over-functioning, and he was sucked into it too. I ensured I provided him and my second child with all the opportunities; however, I expected him to excel. I inherited this subjective experience from my parents and theirs (multigenerational process).

A stage came when I had my third child and another son. My over-functioning position was becoming exhausting, and it was then I asked myself what steps to take to become a thoughtful mother and how to shake off my emotional programming. Shaking off emotional programming is impossible, but becoming thoughtful is a way forward. This way, always start with the family you are born in. I am fortunate I got 13 years to learn about my parents. I was working towards the emotional shock wave I was going to experience with the death of my mother (my stabilizing factor). And how this shock wave will affect the significant relationship with my firstborn.

The prediction came to fruition. With my mother’s death, the relationship faced its first test; he revealed he was in a relationship and that he had made it official on the 24th of October(the day my mother died). He was sharing this with me on the plane to India. I felt a lot of panic because I had not been able to steady my relationship with him, facing its ups and downs for almost four years and him in a relationship!! My emotional programming was triggered. My sensitivity to being on the outside was set in motion.

This shows that even though I had an intellectual understanding, I struggled to assimilate the emotional aspect of over/under-functioning associated with this relationship.

His efforts to become an individual were matched with the forces of togetherness as its undertone(my sensitivity towards the recent events and the expectation of him steading me). It was looking disastrous from the beginning. The more I tried to correct the position I was used to(slipping between over/under-functioning), the more difficult it became to balance and the more reactive the situation became.

The narrative mentioned above is important because it is introspective, set between the families and my relationship with them, between him and me.

This introspection of my sensitivity towards him has been understood in the relationship setting. And, it seems I am on a path to maturing the relationship between us and mitigating the cycle of “expectations, rejection and more expectations. It is an effort of a mother so that we both can benefit from it.