My Oldest 21st Birthday and immaturity all around
My supervisor, Dr Carrie Collier, has created this interesting “Intensity Variation form.
| 1 = Least or zero symptoms or disruptions in functioning roles. |
| 2= Mild symptoms and a few short periods of disruption in functioning. |
| 3 = Moderate symptoms and more periods of longer-lasting functioning impairment. Conflict/avoidance is near death; symptoms are near death. |
| 4 = Severe symptoms are consistent with longer-lasting functioning impairment. Conflict/avoidance is near death; symptoms are near death. |
| 5 = Sever symptoms; emotional distance/ death= no contact; lowest longest periods of functioning. |
Dr Murray Bowen describes the four patterns of functioning.
| 1. Emotional distance. 2. Over/under reciprocity. 3. Conflict in a marriage. 4. Projection onto a child. |
The four horsemen of Apocalypse as posited by Dr Michael Kerr.
| 1. Attention. 2. Approval. 3. Distress. 4. Expectations. |
The horsemen who have been visiting my family since the beginning of the year 2023 were Distress and Expectation. Distress about my mother’s health and expectations from my oldest to start showing up in his relationship with himself and his parents (me and my husband). It seemed like a never-ending cycle. It was creating projection onto a child and over/under-functioning, and the intensity variation in the family was at a level of 3 with distress, level 2 with expectation, and level 2 with projection onto a child.
With my mother’s death, the level of intensity variation went down to 2 with distress. And then my oldest mentioned on the day of my mother’s death, he had formalised his relationship with his girlfriend.
When the family unit, which is a living, breathing organism, finds relief from the intensity, it will act in many ways; mine included another individual with an exit of the mother.
At the end of 2023, my oldest started leaning heavily into this new relationship. The intensity level went to 3 due to the emotional distance between him and me. Conflict between my husband and I went to level 2. To bring down the intensity between my oldest and me, I agreed to lean into his life and sincerely wanted to understand his position. As you can guess, the other side of the scale tipped; my relationship with my husband became tense, and the level of conflict went to level 3 with the emotional distance.
New Year 2024 and my son’s 21st birthday, he decided to spend the day before his birthday with her and his friends without sharing his thoughts. Some of you will wonder, “he is 21, and I need to act maturely.” One way is accurate thinking, but relations are not as neat as I am describing. I expected he would not stay at the girl’s place for hours. (A cultural aspect from where I come.) So, the intensity level between my son and I went to level 3, and with my husband, it came down to level 2, with the horsemen “Expectations” riding next to our family.
In conclusion, I am still working on my maturity levels by balancing the intensity variations. I will urge the readers to take an example in their lives and rate their intensity levels.
