I am not in a mood. I woke up feeling sensitive.

In my clinical practice, I have heard these statements many times. However, the individual seems unaware of how they wake up and feel sensitive.

When I hear the unawareness, I think, how can we be so disconnected? How come we lose our ability to know who we are, and how do we lose touch with the surroundings that we are living in? It is not a judgement, a sincere curiosity.

So today, the 2nd of December, I was sensitive; I was up early, and the first thought that came to my mind was, “I don’t know when my oldest child returned? Was he true to me? I believe I value “openness.” And the flip side of it is my “distrust”.

It is a pattern that is similar to my family of origin. My family’s living circumstances meant they needed to be in contact with employees and individuals who were non-family members for support. They were open and trusting of others, which did serve them well, but they also became vulnerable to being taken advantage of. I grew up thinking I would be more mindful of my situation. However, this life experience has taught me to be generous with my trust, matched with a similar generosity of doubt. It is not very different from the pattern of my family of origin.

And I can’t seem to find the balance. It is a trying process because the balance appears to vary.

Now, I will lay down the various contributing factors, starting from the recent and working backward. These contributing factors can wax and wane depending on what and how my Husband and I are with our family of origin.

What, for my husband and I, is worry about the well-being of our parents, the stressors of parents, the financial backdrop for them, their expectations towards us, etc.

How, for my husband and I, is the leaning into the anxiety of the distance between us and our parents, our connection with them, our reaction to their expectations, etc?

For me, the year 2023, started with my mother’s unwellness and the worry that I would be away when she breathed her last breath. I leaned into this worry by contacting her and my father. However, the reality of their keeping connected was brutal as they had another unwell member, my sister, with a disability. In January, I decided to take the two younger children with me in May. So the financial aspect of the travel was on my mind. In addition, the expenditure of audit to keep my Behaviour support practitioner registration active was exuberant and to keep the clients flowing so that I could create income for the two support staff on the team.

My husband focused on me and making sure I was doing okay, but it also meant distance from his parents as he could only manage so much, and their expectations towards him were with worry.

This set the stage for the contributing factors, which are described below from the recent to the past:

1. December is usually a financial setback for me as individuals take a break from seeing me at practice, but this time round, it has been more.
2. December means children are at home and ensuring enough resources are in place.
3. The worry for December started in January as I could not emotionally invest in my practice.
4. The relational dance between my husband and I started to become sensitive around the same time.
5. My visit to India in May and returning with a heavy heart in June.
6. My most beloved dog died when I was in India.
7. Mother died in October, and I learnt the most harrowing fact of life. I cannot have more time to work on my relationship with her.
8. My middle child is up and down with her circle of friends.
9. My oldest navigates his life, and I feel outside of this experience.
10. My focus is on the third child and his sport. Borrowing energy from seeing his efforts.
11. My husband’s change of attitude towards me at the beginning of November and me watching recorded messages of my mother to stabilise me. This action established my inability to manage myself in difficult situations.
12. My dog had an allergic reaction, and her entire face was swollen; yesterday, the 1st of December, the emergency nurse said, “I am sorry I can’t be of any assistance to you.” I worked frantically to get a doctor on board at that time, which I accomplished. The dog is well and out of any danger.
13. The interaction with a client’s school principal seemed to go sideways, and I found it difficult to be thoughtful.

These factors, and some that I have not mentioned, were the setting stage working in the background, and when I woke up today, the 2nd of December, I was extra sensitive and teary and thinking about my mother.

In this state, I took the third child for his sport. On reaching the designated sports ground, I saw the other children’s parents were in a group, and I did not want to make an effort to be a part of their circle, and they also did not say “hi”. But I seemed to be okay with it. However, it all came to a head when my child got out. I left, and while driving back home, I thought I needed to write. When I reached home, my husband made a suggestion, and he said, “How about you write a blog?”. I am impressed with his observations about me.

If you ask me where I am with my sensitivity, I can say I am thinking through it. It takes an effort to move away from linear cause-and-effect thinking and blame and change the game.